My quotes

As requested by a loyal reader (and I do everything for those), here are some of the quotes I use in my Instant Messenger status messages. Have fun, cypher:

• Never interrupt your enemy when he’s making a mistake.
• We are not retreating – we are advancing in the other direction.
• A sucking chest wound is Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
• If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
• Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
• If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.
• If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
• Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
• If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.
• The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is their main attack.
• The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they’re ready. & when you’re not.
• No plan ever survives enemy contact.
• There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
• Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
• A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
• The important things are always simple; the simple ones are always hard.
• The easy way is always mined.
• Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
• Don’t look conspicuous; it draws fire.
  (For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.)
• Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
• If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
• When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
• If the enemy is within range, so are you.
• The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
• Things which must be shipped together, aren’t.
• Things that must work together, can’t be carried to the field that way.
• Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
• Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
• Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
• Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
• Tracers work both ways.
• When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
• Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
• Fortify your front and you’ll get your rear shot up.
• Weather ain’t neutral.
• If you can’t remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
• Napalm is an area support weapon.
• Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
• B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
• When in doubt, empty your magazine.
• The ammo you need now is on the next airdrop.
• There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
• You’ll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.
• Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
• Bombing from a B52 is very accurate – it always hits the ground.
• Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
• Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
• Friendly fire isn’t. Recoilless rifles – aren’t. Suppressive fire – won’t.
• The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
• The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.
• If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
• Don’t be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
• If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
• The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
• Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to ‚occupant‘.
• The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons.
• One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine.
• Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads – they are not there accidentally.
• The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis.
• The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.
• There is no problem that cannot be solved by the use of high explosives.
• Don’t tell mom I’m an Airforce pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
• Always remember to pillage before you burn.
• Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
• A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
• Draft beer, not people.
• Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europae vincendarum.
  (Sometimes I get this urge to conquer large parts of Europe.)
• Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.
  (When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.)
• Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
  (I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.)